Relationships · · 3 min read
The biggest barrier to a good conversation might be happening inside your own mind
We see a lot of advice online about how to be a better conversationalist.
What to say.
What not to say.
What questions to ask.
How to sound confident, interesting or engaging.
But I've been noticing something more basic.
Sometimes the biggest thing getting in the way of a good conversation is what's happening inside our own mind while the other person is still talking.
We might be thinking:
What should I say next?
I need to tell my story.
I hope I sound interesting.
Or we might simply be following some completely unrelated thought.
The strange thing is, from the outside, we can still look like we're listening.
We can be looking at the person.
Nodding.
Even responding at the right moments.
But our attention has already left the conversation.
I've been noticing this more in my own conversations.
And what I'm practising is very simple.
When I notice my attention has been pulled into a thought, I don't need to fight the thought or force it away.
I just notice it.
Don't feed it.
And return my attention to what I actually intended to be doing:
Listening.
Understanding.
Being here for this conversation.
I'm starting to think that being a better conversationalist may have less to do with having the perfect response…
…and more to do with actually giving the other person your attention.
Notice it… don't feed it.